Since I have relocated to Chehalis, Washington, from Portland, Oregon, about two months ago, I have discovered that my being here has been triggering symptoms in my daughter. Before I moved here, I asked my daughter if she thought this might happen, and she was certain that it would not. Well, I know now that her certainty was premature. It’s not that she and I spend all our time hashing over old stuff. We don’t. But sometimes one of us will ask the other a question about that dark time thirty-some years ago, and then we remember.
So when she told me the other day that she had been really depressed a few days ago for no apparent reason, I listened but did not comment. When I questioned her yesterday about this, though, she admitted that the flashbacks, the nightmares, and the other nasty PTSD symptoms which she thought she had conquered had, indeed, been popping up with a lot more frequency since my arrival. What to do?
Luckily, yesterday I had an equine therapy appointment. I didn’t get to work with the horses, but my daughter, the therapist, and I managed to accomplish something more important, the formulation of a plan to help my daughter. When we left the therapy ranch, my daughter and I felt that a plan was in place and help would be coming. In other words, my daughter now has hope that she will get the help she needs to alleviate her symptoms.
In the process of formulating a plan to help my daughter, I told the therapist that of the two of us, my daughter’s help was more important than mine. She agreed; in fact, she looked at me and said that I was really doing just fine. As she said, for personal growth, therapy is always a good thing, but at this point, my daughter’s need is far greater than mine. Okay! I’ll go for that! Let’s do it!
The problem is that helping my daughter get the help she needs and deserves is not going to be easy because she is on Social Security Disability and has just Medicare as her insurance. She has no backup insurance to cover what Medicare doesn’t cover, and she doesn’t have the money to make up the difference. Does this sound familiar? I’m sure that my daughter’s situation is not unusual. The therapist who does the equine therapy does not take Medicare–not because she doesn’t want to do that, but because her particular license is not one accepted by Medicare. And because my daughter has no backup insurance to pay at least part of her therapy, she cannot afford treatment. Dead in the water?
In this case, there is hope, thanks to the fact that this wonderful and dedicated therapist is willing to help us figure out a way to get my daughter the help. As it stands right now, we are all doing our research. We will come up with something, and just that thought helps give my daughter a reason to see the situation as a glass half full rather than the reverse.
I, however, am having trouble managing my anger! Those of us working so hard to help my daughter, including my daughter, should not be using our time, energy, and life doing this! Why not? Because the abuse that has caused her all the misery should never have taken place!! We all know that! At the very least, the perpetrator of the abuse should be paying to repair what he so remorselessly broke! I say “remorselessly” because a few months after I turned him over to the police, he chided me for “overreacting” to what he did. “Overreacting??” When he used that word, I realized then that I had been married for twenty years to a complete stranger, a person I did not know and a person who had a totally different set of values and a view of life that he had kept secret from me. Hearing him accuse me of overreacting, I felt sick to my stomach.
Unfortunately, the statute of limitations for my ex’s crime has long since lapsed. In addition, several years after his hearing and after he had “copped a plea” and had finished his probation, he was able to get his case dismissed, as if what he had admitted to doing had never happened. Also, unfortunately, my daughter sued him during the mid-90s, won her suit, and then signed a paper saying she would never take legal action against him again. So we are left now to regroup and figure out a way to get her the help she needs and wants. Yes, I’m angry!
I’ve learned, though, that anger cannot be an end in itself–not for me, at least. I must harness that anger energy and make it work constructively. I’ve done that a lot in the past. Now I need to do it again to help my daughter heal. As Sam Cooke and the Soul Stirrers sing, I have “One More River to Cross.” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPeCFEv6sfs)
6 comments
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February 27, 2014 at 9:46 pm
radicaljournalmadamex
Your daughter is lucky to have you, and your awareness of the problem. I hope the universe sends a solution your way.
February 27, 2014 at 10:38 pm
jefairgrieve
Hi, Madame X! Well, we left the session with the equine therapist with a two-step plan, and that’s a lot more than we had before the session, so I felt as if I had accomplished something. And accomplishing something is a lot better than accomplishing nothing. But I’m struggling to get past the thought that it’s the perpetrator who should be stepping in to help, and I know that’s not gonna happen. Not a chance in hell. However, I do plan to call a lawyer who was working here back in the 80s and see if he can come up with something. Maybe there is a chance that I don’t know about? Could be. At least it’s worth a try. . . I don’t give up easily. ; ) “One More River to Cross.”
March 6, 2014 at 6:20 pm
renovatio06
You KNOW that I feel you on all counts, do you? Well, ok, maybe minus the need to find help for a family member, agreed. We talked about anger in the past and mine has flared up again as well after a phone call with bio family. I soooo get what you’re saying here, I completely FEEL you and the situation!
I agree on the “channeling the ager in constructive ways” part, but it’s difficult doing so when you find yourself in the midst of that situation, where anger consumes you (not sure, if this is the case here with you, but I have certainly seen and been in such moments – not a good place to be in…).
From our conversations, I guess you will know that I’m rooting for you all I can! My own quest on getting the help I’ve been needing for… well, 50 years! -…. hit another bump in the road. So, I sure hope, you will have better luck with all that!
B.t.w.: I think, minimal sentences should apply with ANY situation of domestic violence, regardless the family constellation, the intent, the various means used – violence is violence, whether it is emotional, verbal, physical, sexual – or a mix of all… Violence in the home needs to be eligible for punishment!!! And trust you me – I’d still go down that road, if there was a shred of a chance for a beneficial outcome!!! (consider me fuming with rage… not just for myself, but the collective harm done to so many of us…)
March 6, 2014 at 7:46 pm
jefairgrieve
Thank you, Renovatio! Our legal system needs a lot of change, for sure! In the meantime, those of us who have gotten the short end of the stick need to try to bring about change. Change is so slow to come, and it probably will not take place in my lifetime, but maybe my grandkids’ generation will be able to do something. Leider, das ist’s. My generation’s job, as I see it, is to prepare the way for change. It’s hard to be patient! What is that saying about the millwheels of God? “Gottes Muehlen mahlen langsam, aber stetig / trefflich fein” I hope this applies here! Wish the wheels would speed up, however!
March 6, 2014 at 7:47 pm
renovatio06
Exactly! God is a freaggin’ slacker! 3:)
March 6, 2014 at 7:48 pm
jefairgrieve
Amen!