
One of my ego states, Cowboy, has been my protector and “can-do person” ever since I was a child. She has always been there for me, always risen to the task when I’ve needed her.
I have found Ego State Therapy to be extremely useful in my healing process because this modality enables me to conceptualize the inner workings of my psyche. If I think of my psyche as a place in which all the parts of my personality (ego states) dwell, and if I see these parts of my personality as “people” who interact with one another, then I am able to interact with these parts to bring about peace and, eventually, change. One of the big players in my psyche’s cast of characters is the part that I call Cowboy.
Although Cowboy is a girl, she displays some qualities normally attributed to males–toughness, assertiveness that sometimes borders on aggressiveness, and pride in her ability to protect my psyche from “varmints” and nasty critters that might want to hurt me. Yes, Cowboy has existed for a long time, at least I have been aware of her for a long time. When I was a little girl and witnessed another child having her skinned knee kissed by her mother, Cowboy was the part inside me who said, “Well, I don’t need any of that baby stuff. My mother doesn’t kiss my skinned knees, and that’s because I’m tough. I don’t need my mother to do that.” Actually, I longed to have my mother kiss my skinned knees, but my mother didn’t seem to notice them. I learned not to cry because when I cried, my mother got irritated with me and yelled at me. Sometimes she even ridiculed me when I cried. So when my Cowboy said to me, “You are tough. You don’t need your mother to comfort you,” my Cowboy was protecting me from the pain that came with my mother’s neglect and indifference toward me.
When I was sexually molested by the neighbor at age four or five, Cowboy let me know that I could take care of myself and that it would be better if I did not tell my mother. She would probably spank me and yell at me and tell me it was all my fault. I did not need her; I could take care of myself. And, for forty-two years I did–until I had a huge flashback to the abuse incident and fell apart. Later, when I was about nine, a friend of the family who had not seen me since I was about four years old said, “Is that Jeanie? But she used to be so cute!” My mother said nothing to her or to me to soften the effect of her words on me, but my inner Cowboy whispered to me, “Your mother isn’t on your side, and she doesn’t care about you, but you are tough and you don’t need her, anyway. You can take care of yourself.” And I did. I stayed away from my mother.
In 1961, when I announced to my mother that I was getting married, my mother said, “Well, all my friends think you have to get married, anyway.” My inner Cowboy let me know, once more, that I didn’t need my mother or her approval, “Don’t let her words get to you. You are tough. Just go ahead with it.” In 1981, after enduring years of an abusive marriage without taking any action to change the situation, my Cowboy took the bit in her mouth when she witnessed my husband molesting our daughter and decided that it was time for action–she led me to confront my husband and tell him I was reporting him to the police, and then she and I did just that. Then Cowboy took the bull by the horns and helped me file for divorce.
Yep, Cowboy has been a major player in my psyche. She has protected me from feeling the pain of being abused and neglected, and she has enabled me to survive situations that otherwise might have rendered me permanently nonfunctioning. She has been a true friend when I desperately needed a friend. She has picked up the pieces of my psyche and helped me put them back together again–she rounded up the dogies and brought them home. Now, however, I’m beginning to see that maybe it’s time for Cowboy to relinquish some of her power. I’m seeing, too, that even though Cowboy deserves a medal for helping me survive, she has some rather ugly qualities that detract from her otherwise golden image.
You see, because Cowboy has ridden to the fore in rescuing me and protecting me and all the other parts of my psyche, she has developed an “attitude” in the process. For one thing, she is contemptuous of the parts that have not been as forthcoming as she. She sees herself as a hero, rough and tough, and she regards the parts of me that have been more passive as “wusses,” sissies, sniveling cowards, worthless laggards. In other words, she sees herself as superior, better than the other parts. Not good! Rather than join the other parts of my psyche in working together for the good of Jean, Cowboy appears to be drifting into isolation. She appears to be setting herself apart from the others and spending less time in the midst of the community of parts.
Why is this happening? My theory is that as I am healing, I no longer have as much need for Cowboy’s help as I formerly did. Cowboy senses that, and she doesn’t know how to deal with the changes in my psyche. I am no longer an abused and neglected child who needs a mother, and I am no longer an abused wife. In fact, for the past thirty-some years, I have slowly taken over the work of protecting myself and have externalized my response to threats without needing her help. Cowboy may be feeling unwanted, unneeded, and unappreciated. The fact is–while her environment has been slowly changing, Cowboy has not adapted herself to that change. How can I help her?
Coming soon, I hope: How Cowboy and I come to terms with her need to change.
12 comments
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August 28, 2013 at 1:48 am
annarosemeeds
Wow, you have so much insight. The fact that you see how Cowboy has helped you but is now holding you back is so amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and story!
August 28, 2013 at 6:44 am
NZFiend
Well written, well done. This is the first time I have seen your blog, how did you manage not to become a large scale addict of one sort or another? Or have a missed that bit?!
!
August 29, 2013 at 12:39 am
jefairgrieve
Hi, NZFiend–
I had to chuckle when I read your comment! No, you haven’t missed a thing! I wonder, too, how I missed becoming an addict or killing myself or going completely crazy. All I can say is that I’ve always had a sense of what I wanted my life to be, and I’m a boringly pragmatic person, so using substances has simply never occurred to me. Besides, substances cost money! ; ) Peace . . .
August 30, 2013 at 3:59 am
NZFiend
Ah, starting a little communal living tent village in the middle of a large field of opium poppies was always my thing.
Pragmatism is one step up on completely enslaved to have no internal impulse control mechanism
.
August 30, 2013 at 3:16 pm
jefairgrieve
Re substances: I saw enough of alcoholism in my parents when I was a kid to know I didn’t want to go there, and other drugs were not really that known to me then. Also, I’ve always felt as if I wanted all my wits about me at all times so I could protect myself if necessary. Looking back, it’s a good thing! My C-PTSD rendered me ineffective enough, and if I had been under the influence of substances, God knows what would have happened to my daughter! My former husband would have been very happy if I had been hospitalized for mental problems and drug abuse because that would have given him full access to our daughter. There are, in my opinion, good things to be said for being boringly straight, as I am. My daughter is alive, I’m alive, and she and I enjoy each other’s company. You might be interested in my long essay titled “Fallout” for more about this. I think it’s posted on both my Google blog and on this blog. Cheers! Jean
August 31, 2013 at 12:36 am
NZFiend
Cheers!
August 30, 2013 at 6:48 pm
renovatio06
I think you were right in “keeping your wits together” as best as possible and not playing around with substances. I don’t know what that has to do with losing impulse control, I’d say on the contrary.
August 29, 2013 at 11:00 am
renovatio06
So well described and touching and hitting home in a big way, Jean! Makes total sense to me right away. In this context and please allow me to put a lighter note to it without meaning to play anything down: Isn’t it ironic, how cowboy is riding a high horse there…? 🙂 (well… lame pun attempt over, lol).
Excellent point. And it comes at a time when I myself am pondering, whether I have given Cowboy too much control over my general demeanor. On the other hand, I fear that I have quieted my own Cowboy at times, when she or he should have been at the helm of things.
In coming back to your question of how you might get Cowboy to become a team player, here’s a thought: You’ve already acknowledged their part by way of this blog entry. I think, Cowboy can’t really feel neglected, unwanted, isolated. You’ve let them know that they have done a marvellous and important job over decades. Maybe you could think of a little ritual to actually play out in your next session, like e.g. really sort of enact a scene, where a second person/therapist takes the role of Cowboy and you actually and verbatim express your gratitude to them, in plain English and using the same words as you would thank a friend, who’s been there for you forever. I’d expect to things from this – maybe with some slight delay: 1st, closure. I think, it’s important for us to find closure with certain things for reasons of simple and straight forward energy management. 2nd and as an outcome of this, you might encounter repressed feelings of sorrow and grief coming forward and if so, you get a chance to process those – ideally together with someone helping you process the latter.
I say this, because when getting to the core of my own struggles, this situation would always somehow come to mind and at the same time my realization that I haven’t done the work there, yet, and on both counts (closure and allowing repressed feelings to come forth).
Just a thought…
Anyway, thanks for sharing!
August 29, 2013 at 11:02 am
renovatio06
P.S. “I’d expect TWO things…” and I forgot to say: At the end of the ritual/enactment, maybe you can ask Cowboy to tone it down for now, but stay around at the same time, reassuring them of their importance and how you depended on them for so long and have come to rely on them as someone having your back when things become (too) tough. Ok. Over and out 😉
August 29, 2013 at 4:03 pm
jefairgrieve
Good thoughts on this! Thank you! I’m already in the process of doing something like this in my dialogue. You see, Cowboy doesn’t feel appreciated or accepted by the other parts. She doesn’t feel as if she fits in right now, and she really doesn’t. That’s causing her to have all sorts of negative feelings about herself and the other parts. When I finish this installment of my dialogue, I’ll send it to you. In principle, what you say is completely accurate, as you will see when you read my dialogue. Now my task is to help her fit into the rest of the gang so she feels good about her situation and so she retains her unique qualities without overdoing the whole thing. And in the meantime, I enjoy having some fun in the process of doing this! What really blows me away is that as I write about this, I can feel myself very subtly changing myself. That is what I think is so amazing about my use of Ego State Therapy!
October 5, 2013 at 7:43 pm
crystalarber
Reblogged this on Worthit2bme.
October 5, 2013 at 7:45 pm
crystalarber
You are such an inspiration~ Thank you for your posts. You are helping so many people as well as helping me be the best therapist I can be!